literature

Races

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ElTuchoMoe's avatar
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Literature Text

Today would be a special day for Bo, he knew since the moment, a week ago, when dad came home with the most wonderful news in the world; he had tickets for today’s race. He could finally see a race, but not on a screen as he did almost daily. No sir, this time there would be nothing between him and those extraordinary speed machines. Such was his excitement for the event that he was barely able to sleep the night before. Had he known that was his last peaceful night, maybe he would have made more of it.

It was usual for Bo to experience things he didn't quite understand, but the strangest thing to date was the most terribly long week of his six and a half years of life followed by a couple hours that seemed to run through his fingers like water. It was like time had accelerated along with the drivers on the go signal.

After what seemed like a sigh, Bo was leaving the wondrous place where racing happened on dad’s shoulders. The show he just witnessed made him intensely happy and could not stop recalling moments and discussing details with him until something powerfully called his attention. It was for an instant and he was not entirely sure of it, but he thought he had seen someone wearing black gazing at him among the crowd.

For a moment he stopped speaking and stared towards the strange figure, but it was no longer there. He tried to rise above the already privileged position given by his talker but he could not see more than others travelling like him.

He had forgotten what he was talking about before the interruption, but dad quickly reminded him and they kept on talking until racing regained absolute control of his thoughts and the black figure was forgotten.

After such a happily exhausting trip, Bo fell asleep in no time, but his day had not ended yet. He was missing the last race, the one that took place in his dreams and in which he was the only driver.

He was running at full speed on a jungle full of plants whose intense green was only matched by the diverse colours of the birds that flew above among the branches. Terrible beast were jumping over him but he dodged them, then the jungle ended and came a frozen wasteland full of slippery stretches and curves with menacing ice spikes. The cold in the environment didn't seem to affect him, and neither did the heat that took place when he entered a volcanic chain with lava rivers that he evaded by jumping on small heights on the ground that worked as ramps.

On his dreams, Bo would take the paths that looked the most exciting without the need of a track like the races on the screen, but now he noticed he was between two endless rows of stones. How long had he been following them? He wasn't sure, but now they seemed to dictate his course and increase in height as the race continued. Bo then thought that he only needed another ramp to jump over them and be free. However, when he took the next curve, the sun appeared in front of him and it’s bright blinded him for an instant. He quickly put a hand over his eyes to shield them as he kept driving.

After a moment, he peeked slightly between his fingers to look at the road, it was a straight path still marked by the strange rock rows and in its centre, alarmingly close, was the dark figure he had seen earlier that day.

Bo immediately tried to avoid him, but the rocks were now taller than his car and took him back to the track with a slam, he then tried to brake but it was too late. The figure had stepped aside and put something big and heavy on his way with which Bo could not help colliding.

The crash was terrible, sending the car tumbling in the air. For an instant Bo knew nothing except that his mind was shaking out of control. On the rare occasion were his dreams diverged from pleasant, such an incident marked the return to the world of races on screens, but when he opened his eyes, he was still inside his dream vehicle, only now turned over and deformed after the collision. Worse yet, he was again in front of the dark figure and could now see what he had placed on his way. It was a huge hammer. Even being upside down Bo could see that the handle was as tall as its owner and the head as wide as his shoulders.

Bo felt a fear wave when he saw the weapon and tried to open the door of his vehicle but it was stuck, he saw the dark figure again and realized he was walking towards him with the hammer in his hands, he wanted to see his face but forced his attention back to the door that refused to be open. Panic started to take over so he decided to leave through the window, which once had had glass.

He pushed his head out but when he tried to pull his body he noticed the safety belt was holding him. Dad always said it was the most important part of a race car and therefore it was a constant even on his dreams, now however it was preventing him from his scape. He drew a shaking hand to the belt lock and pressed, the sound of the mechanism releasing brought him a big relief, but once free, the strap wrapped itself around his hand and shoulders. Before noticing he was tightly tied to the seat with only his head sticking out the window.

Then Bo heard two steps just in front of him. Drenched in fear, he turned as much as he could to see the figure standing there, looking at him with a face that was only two eyes and no other feature, they were unnecessary since those eyes that were now fixed on him stated everything that needed to be expressed: It was the end of the road.

Bo wanted to scream, wanted to cry, he wanted to run away and never look back but did neither. He only witnessed helpless as the figure heavily raised the hammer and proceeded to hit his face with inhuman strength.

Bo never woke up again.
The first of a series of short stories
My twitter GMoheyer
Spanish version available at Carreras
Feedback, advise and complains are received
Comments2
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DesdemonaDeBlake's avatar
Hey, you asked me to critique the story.

I really enjoy the premise. This has the potential to be a very potent creepypasta. So I'll give you some tips for how to make it more so. 

1. Paragraphs - Currently, the paragraphs are very long as just sort of drag on--opposing the quick pace that you want for this sort of story. Shave off the extra info that they don't need,  alternate between new paragraphs more, and do some research into how to construct paragraphs effectively in a story. (Trust me, this is a more difficult project than it sounds).

2. Show, Don't Tell - You currently give most of the exposition and backstory through the narrator's blatant exposition. This also slows the pace of your story. It may seem counter-intuitive, but your story will pick up pace if you take the time to show us what is happening--the protagonist's dad coming home with tickets, the protagonist watching the race on tv with his favorite car's tshirt on, etc... 

3. The Protagonist - Before the story takes place and the murder begins, we actually need to care about the protagonist so that we can empathize and be on the edge of our seats as he faces the horror. Make him a three-dimensional character, with good and bad personality attributes, who is unique, and who we will care about, before you place us in a situation where we need to care about him to be immersed in the story.

If the critiques help, apply them, and I might be able to look at this again at some point. And I think if I look at the other short stories you sent me, that I will pretty much just end up repeating the same information. So lets just work with this one, and then apply the improvements and discussed techniques to the others, if you don't mind. 

Best of luck!